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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

A Little Off  

I haven't been myself the past few days. The easiest way to tell that is the fact that I've been posting about things that don't really hit close to home. They're things that matter to me, just nothing too close to the issues rolling around in my heart and brain.

The hardest part of my job is the drive time. It offers too much temptation to let your mind wander willy nilly to places and memories it really ought to just leave alone. Ya know what I mean?

I'm coming up on 8 years here in Florida, which also mean 8 years since my divorce. I thought all those wounds would be healed by now. Guess not. Better, but not gone. It constantly amazes me the amount of pain one human being can foster into the life of another, and how long it takes to clean that room out - not just shut the door.

I've been thinking about my family, and how I'm really not there for them anymore. Oh, I talk to them, pray for them and worry but can't do any actual, hands on help. I feel bad about that. I have a niece that will be 17 very soon, and every day I feel like I failed her. I promised I would always be there for her, and I haven't been. We talked about that a few years ago and she actually forgave me. Told me that she was pretty mad when I left but now she understands it was the right thing for me. Wow - it's surprising how very insightful even the toughest kid can be. She's going thru a very rough time right now - remember what it was like to be 16/17? (I wouldn't go back for anything.) All that anger and confusion bottled up inside and the feeling that everyone (except your friends) is against you. That all will be better once you are on your own and don't have to live under your parents thumb. And the hardest part for me is being 1471 miles away and not able to ease any of that pain. But honestly, who am I kidding - I couldn't take that away if I was there. It's part of the growing process. All we can do is hope and pray that they come out of it safe, strong and whole. That they still cling to the morals and values instilled in them while they were young.

I've been having some issues with my job. Just small things, but after a while, even the smallest scratch can become irritated and infected if not taken care of. So, I'm taking care of it.

But most of all I think about how my life has changed in the last couple of years. A lot of those changes are due to this thing called a blog. I'm new to posting, but have been reading them for well over a year now. The surprising thing is, many of my favorites have become friends. People I care about, enjoy "listening" to, look forward to having them visit me. I've always had a different slant on friendships. I have a couple of friends that I have never met face to face, and we've known each other for going on 5 years. We talk weekly on the phone, I get pictures of their children and send cards for birthdays and anniversaries. Many people didn't understand how we can call those friendships. Let me tell you - if they don't understand that they SURELY don't understand this.

They don't understand that I look forward to reading Teresa's take on things. She has an amazing way of expressing herself that I really enjoy. They don't understand that I look forward every day to what Blake has to say, and what I can learn today. How can I begin to explain the comment conversations and insights I have enjoyed from visiting Lex. Let alone how reading Greyhawk, Matt and Smash have helped to widen my view on the world. How can anyone really understand the smile when I see a comment from Randy and BloodSpite.. I pray every day for Hook and his family, Sarah and her husband and Tim and Patti. I could go on, but you get what I mean. It is a different world now. A much smaller one. Friendships have a different make-up than they did even a few years ago. I kinda like it.

Wow - never meant for this to go so long. Just thought I'd sit down and see where the keyboard took me. Probably should have waited for that pot of coffee to finish before I started typing. :)

Anyway - I guess this is just a long winded way of saying I'm in a bit of a funk right now. Nothing serious, just a funk. Think I'll go out and sit on the lania and watch the sunrise. You all have a great day!


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My "Other" Family - Fizzen Sparks