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Thursday, June 17, 2004

Demons and the Past 

Well Shoot. I didn't get a damn thing done last night that I needed to. I was so exhausted by the time I hit the door all I managed was to check emails and eat an entire frozen pizza. It was good pizza, but I sure as hell didn't need the whole thing.

Not really looking forward to my flight today. You see, they are free tickets. Way back in February I gave up my seat to Tampa for a free round trip ticket. Ended up with three by the time the evening was over, and an air tour of the state of Florida - Atlanta to Miami, to Ft. Lauderdale to Orlando, then a drive from Orlando to Tampa. Not pleasant, but three free round trip tickets took some of the sting out of it.

Until I tried to use them. I can book flights out, but due to blackouts and capacity, etc etc it's almost impossible to get home. After 4 attempts to use these tickets I finally asked the "customer service" person why they were so intent on pissing me off!!! I've got 2 tickets left to use and I can promise you I will NEVER give up a seat for a ticket again. It just ain't worth it.

Anyway, sitting here waiting for the last load of laundry to dry so I can finish up packing. I have all the other stuff ready. I guess it says something about me that the first things in the trunk are my laptop and work stuff. I will take some time to relax, lucky (or not) for me, Mom really enjoys it when I work at her house. I ask her input and advise and do a lot of talking to myself (well, muttering but let's not quibble). She enjoys business and all the process of sales so at least I don't have to worry about hurting her feelings when I'm working.

I mentioned in my last post that this will be the longest time spent in Indiana in 2 years. I have to admit - I hate it there. Hate it, Hate it, Hate it. Did I mention I don't like it there very much. The area is riddled with bad memories for me. Even after 8 years I get stomach cramps when I think about running into my ex-husband or any of his clan. I actually start shaking when I have to go to the mall or some other very public place just on the off chance I'll run into him. He is the only human being on earth that causes that type of reaction from me. I am not afraid of much, not much makes me this tense. He is not a nice man. Not at all. In fact, I would venture to say he is about the biggest asshole I've ever known, and believe me I've known my fair share.

The chances of seeing him are few, but they are there. It's funny, I don't do much to please other people. I'm not worried about impressing others. But with him, it's different. His last words to me were "You're ugly fat and stupid. You'll never amount to anything and will be alone for the rest of you life. Bitch." Well - screw you bucko. I've made a few changes in the past years. I know I'm not fat, I'm not beautiful but I can hold my own in a room of 40 year olds. And I'll be damned if anyone can say with a straight face that I'm stupid. Bitch? Thank you, thank you very much. I've done pretty well career wise so you can't say I haven't amounted to anything. And as to being alone -I like me. I have wonderful friends. I'm not alone.

So why do those words still haunt me? Because after 11 years of hell he knew the exact thing to say to hurt me the most. And I heard those words everyday for 11 years. Not those exact words, but the same message over and over and over again. Ask anyone that knows anything about brainwashing. That shit doesn't go away over night.

So - I'm off to face my demons. I'm not going to hide this trip. I'm going out to dinner, I'm going shopping and I'm going to the damn bar. If I run into him I'll just deal with it. Well, deal with it then post about it. Afterall, when you beat the devil you gotta tell everyone.

Wish me luck.


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My "Other" Family - Fizzen Sparks