Tuesday, June 22, 2004
I've been here since Thursday and am heading out tomorrow morning. It's been a nice visit, despite my fears. Spent some time with friends, had a little Ta-Do for my Mom and am packing things up today.
I'll admit that I didn't get out like I planned. When it came right down to it, I didn't want to.
I took the train to Chicago on Saturday and it goes right past the farm my ex and I had. It looks exactly the same, but different. They still have the same type of flowers I planted, the vegetable garden is still there. Cows grazing in the pasture and fish jumping in the pond.
Things look the same, but they are so different. I'm different. I find I don't take criticism of my actions as well as I used to. I find it gets on my nerves to be reminded to do things. For instance, last night when Mom went to bed she reminded me to check the doors and turn off all the lights. Smart ass Tammi comes back with something like "I've been doing that for 20 years now Mom, I think I got it covered." I find myself tensing up when told how to wash dishes. Time to go home. Time to get back to MY life.
Isn't it funny how we romanticism things only to be reminded that what we have now is so much better. I was listening to CMT last night and they played an old Garth Brooks song that I've always used as my mantra, Thank God For Unanswered Prayers. If I had gotten everything I prayed for I believe my life would not be nearly as wonderful as it is now.
I love my family. But I sure don't want to live up here. I miss my old and dear friends, but wonder if we'd still be so close if we interacted everyday. I could make a good living here, but would I have a good life?
Coming home is good for the soul. You get pampered, you get to spend time remembering life's lessons and laughing over shared pasts. But it also helps to remind us how good life is in the present. I miss Florida. I miss my customers, I miss my friends. Last night I started planning the attack on how to finish up the house this weekend. I can't wait. I'm ready to go forward.
This little walk down memory lane was exactly what I needed. To be honest it's been so tough lately I had been thinking of just packing it all in and coming back up here. Giving up, as it were. Now - there is no way in hell. I'm revitalized and refocused. Not only have I been reminded you can't go back, I realized I don't want to.